I could get tested but...

If I’m autistic, I’m gonna be fucking pissed

Because that would mean I shouldn’t have been treated like a bitch of a Black girl since a neonate

That would mean that 6-year-old me being silent when I didn’t feel like speaking was reasonable

Rather than a demonic spirit of rudeness possessing my body

That would mean that I wasn’t a “know it all” for knowing the answer

Because knowing the answer is ok when you’re autistic and it’s egotistical when you’re a Black bitch girl

That would mean that the way I am wasn’t an intentional slight to everyone

That the good Lord did not curse my family with my existence

That would mean that adults would have been nice to the poor little “slow” girl

The quirks would have been accepted as harmless instead of maliciousness, arrogance, insolence

If I’m autistic, I’m gonna be fucking pissed

Because that would mean someone should have noticed

The confusion in social situations

The bluntness interpreted as sarcasm

Agitation due to sudden changes of plans

Never understanding why I was in trouble 

Teachers believing I was mute because I refused to speak

That would mean someone cared

That would have meant being extended some grace

It could have even meant that at least one person in the world would have loved me unmasked

And perhaps I wouldn’t have been a bitch of a Black baby

If I’m autistic, I’ll be so fucking pissed

So I’ll never ask... and I’ll never know

Because the possibility that I could’ve been a little Black girl

innocent in nature and worthy of love

Is just too much for this old Black bitch to bear