Yes, hello, I’d like to print a retraction

Following my essay regarding a “friend” telling me they didn’t like my personality, I would like to retract some of my statements after a long talk with a girlfriend.

I can honestly say, I had never been so hurt by words (or a person) ever in my life. The first offense, him ghosting me suddenly mid-conversation, and the second was being told that my personality was all but unbearable. However, my girlfriend helped me understand the real issue at hand: this man is simply a bad person.

Now, I must be clear, what he said about my personality was not wrong and I must look inward. Nevertheless, the fact remains that I told him who I was upfront, and he lied to me about who he was to get close to me. So, when I had served whatever purpose I was to him, he finally presented his true self and disposed of me — as he always intended to do. He’s a manipulator who enjoys hurting women. This man did not see me as a person but as a momentary object of desire. He wanted to have me and use me until he got bored and could move on to another victim. He’ll talk to her, study her, blend his personality with hers and, if it comes to be that her personality is too big to maintain his ego, he will leave.

After analyzing what he said to me, my girlfriend helped me realize that this man is deeply insecure, especially in regard to his own intelligence. She asked me about some of our former interactions and if anything he said in the past could have led up to this. "Did he ever seem like he wasn't interested in what you had to say?” she asked. The answer is yes to all of the above. 100%. One time I was saying something to him and his response was, "I know, I'm not f*cking stupid." Another instance was when we were conversing and he cut me off mid-sentence, saying, "I'm not going to talk about this." The last time we spoke on the phone he said I was "bringing him down," so I stopped what I was saying, and I never brought up the negative events occurring in my life again. I take criticisms fairly well, so during the course of our relationship, whenever he said something bothered him, I would try not to do that thing. If he suggested I was talking too much, I cut it short.

For better context, I must relay the actual full and final conversation between him and I:

Me — Was going to move on, but my friend is trying to make me better and said I should text you and ask if you’re ok. so that’s what this is

Him — Yeah, I’m chillen.

Him — You good?

Me — ok cool

Him — I feel like I need to tell you that I don’t think our personalities mesh as well as I once thought they did so that’s why I haven’t been hitting you up Him — And I have to assume you feel the same cuz you haven’t hmu either

Me — No, I didn’t feel that way. We were texting and then you stopped responding, so I figured you didn’t want to talk. Thanks for telling me. I do wish you would’ve just said that instead of ghosting, but all good. It really was nice meeting you. *I unshare my location*

Him— likewise *He unshares his location* Him — I ghosted cuz at the time I felt negatively, and I didn’t wanna come across angry. And I’d rathe not say anything than say something negative.

Me — Ok, well since we’re wrapping up here anyway, can you tell me how I made you angry? I’d like to know how I can avoid making someone else uncomfortable.

Him — I definitely wasn’t angry but I know that I can come across that way when I’m expressing myself. That’s something we have in common actually

Him — But one way I don’t think we’re compatible as friends is that one of my biggest pet peeves is being talked AT and I feel like you enjoy lecturing. Which is totally ok, that’s your personality

Him — I still f*ck w you, not that you need my approval. I like you a lot actually. And at the same time I feel like I can’t handle the amount of negativity you approach life with, because I’m already too depressed myself

Me — Apologies, I misread. Yes, I do that. No, I don’t enjoy lecturing. (For context: I grew up with social anxiety and never really learned how to talk to people so I often tell stories or just relay information). It’s not to make the other person feel bad, I’m just bad at talking and that’s kinda how I hide it. I’m sorry that you felt talked at.

Him — It’s ok Him — I understand. Thanks for that context

Me — You honestly caught me at a bad time, with everything going on and it’s taken a severe toll on my mental and I’ve never dealt with this kind of thing before. So I definitely see that I’ve been being negative. That’s actually why I stopped telling you what was going on over here and saying I was fine. I didn’t want to make you unhappy. Sorry.

Him — Gotcha .. so I’m not that smart but I’m kind of intelligent emotionally, I’ll give myself that. I’m well aware that you’re going through it right now and I’ve always known you’re hiding it when you’re saying you’re fine. Him — I can handle heavy shit. So I would’ve much rather you share what's going on in your head, than you saying you’re good, and you’re clearly not, and taking those negative emotions and applying them to everyday regular conversations Him — But this isn’t me coming at your character or anything like that. I respect you a lot and I’m just telling you how I feel about our relationship

Me — I figured heavy things made you uncomfortable because the last time I shared something you stopped responding - so I tried to take a hint. I do not like burdening other people. & it seems like that’s what I’ve been doing to you, so again I apologize Me — & I understand Me — Thank you for responding and for telling me all this, I’ll have to consider these things about myself.

*End of conversation*

*End of friendship*

I was so hurt in that moment that I didn’t realize that what he was saying didn’t make complete sense in the context of our relationship. We first met when he responded, via direct message (DM), to my call for a friend to share music and “angry rants” with. We hit it off instantly. I told him everything about me and, I believed, he was telling me everything about himself. So, it was really odd for him to say that I was negative. We hadn't even spoken on the phone for weeks prior to his sloppy attempt at removing me from his life. He knew that I was going through a tumultuous time and that I was feeling extremely alone and that it was weighing heavily on me and, instead of telling me to be more positive, providing friendly support, or even telling me he had to leave because I was being too negative for him— he ghosted me.

Not to mention, two weeks (13 days) prior to this conversation I helped him pick out a Valentine's Day gift for the girl he was dating and I told him about how much joy Valentine's Day brings me. No negativity. That same day he confirmed that he still wanted to go on vacation with me. Two days after that, I told him that he did not have to text me every day if he didn't want to. I didn't want to be a burden. His response?

"Ay, I'm not hitting you up out of obligation, it's because I want you as a friend. I'm sorry that I'm an annoying friend to deal with a lot of the time."

I assured him that I did not think he was annoying. The last texting conversation we had (before the ghosting) wasn't negative at all. I told him that I was taking his advice in trying to find friends and I asked him to help me talk to some people online. There was nothing negative about what I was saying. So why the sudden change of heart exactly one day later (when he ghosted). We hadn't even spoken on the phone since before Valentine's Day, so I'm not sure when he decided he had had enough of my "lecturing" and me talking "AT" him.

In the past, he said to me several times that he didn’t like women who talked too much and suggested that I, myself, talked too much. Why would he respond to a call for a friend to talk to and then turn around and say that she talked too much? I never changed, so why all of a sudden did we not mesh well? The answer is obvious — at least it is now. The last text he sent before he disappeared was “you seem a little lost in the sauce lately, you good?” To which I replied “what do you mean? I’m fine.” Then there was nothing for a week. Therefore, after thinking and asserting that I was not doing well, he came to the final conclusion that he’d had enough of me.

He has a right to feel how he feels, and he absolutely has a right to kick people out of his life that he believes are no good for him; but anyone who ever regarded me as a real friend would have ended things better. A person who regarded me as a human being would not have decided the best way to rid themselves of me and my mouth would be to stop contacting me forever during the course of a normal afternoon texting conversation.

In a previous conversation with my girlfriend, I told her that this man relayed to me that he used Tinder, despite being in a monogamous relationship, because he “likes to be friends with pretty girls.” When he told me that, it hurt my feelings and made me feel like an object; like I was just another girl on his list, and I got too caught up in thinking that we were actually close friends. I didn’t tell him that’s how I felt, though. I didn’t think it would matter — and his actions confirmed I was right. He noticeably grew colder, more distant, and less like the person I met in the last weeks of our relationship. I assumed he was just in a mood, as I know we both suffered from depression. I tried to check on him, I tried to give him space, but the fact of the matter was that he was over me.

In my girlfriend's words:

“He likes to keep pretty women around but doesn't like to hear them speak?”

“So, this all makes sense, but it sucks in the way that it makes sense - he DMd you because he thought you were pretty and wanted to get at you. I don’t think he ever really cared about what you had to say, he just wanted what all men wanted. He probably is saying you are "different" because you are no longer flirty with him and are looking for a real friend, which he obviously isn't- he is a scummy creep.”

Now, that doesn’t take away the real critique of my personality. I want people to feel welcome with me, but I only want good people to feel welcome with me. I don't want manipulators and misogynoirists to find a home with me. I want good people to feel unburdened when they come to me, not for them to feel negativity and heaviness. While I work on bettering myself, perhaps I will provide a disclaimer to any new friends I may encounter that I get too excited and, subsequently, talk too much and to stop me if I’m “lecturing.” It stands to reason that I should contact all my current friends and thank them for listening to my lectures and loving me past them.

Note: Thank you to my dearest friend, Rachel for being there for me when I get so despondent that I can’t even show up for myself — and for listening to my lectures for nearly a decade.