OMG JUST GIVE ME THE JOB!!!

Dear hiring manager,

Give me the job that I am applying for. I can do the work. I am amazing. I can actually do anything that doesn’t involve advanced math. And even then, I can figure it out! I’m a problem solver by NATURE. You want 7 1/2 years of experience for WHAT??? Tell me what you need done and I will do it. YouTube is a thing and I am one hell of a googler. I read fast, I type fast. Heck, I can lay concrete. I’m great with kids; I am amazing with adults. I always complete my work on time and then some. I am a master of efficiency. I’ve never had a single complaint against me, only positive reviews because I am awesome. I can do any job and I bet I can do it better than the person you’re going to hire instead of me. I have referencessss. I have skill!! I am passionate! And I am personable!!! I am a literal superhero and it would honestly *behoove* you to give me a job. I deserve the job! Not that 35 year old white guy with a firm handshake. I can do the JOB and I can do it well. Not to mention, I can shake hands better than any man you’ll meet; I will shake your arm clean off your shoulder if that would prove it to you. Literally, hire me. It’s in your best interest. Honestly, truly.

Thank you for taking the time to review my resume and cover letter. I can be reached anywhere at any time through any mode of communication — including smoke signal, whenever you're prepared to have a worthwhile employee on the job.

Sincerely,

The best person for the job... literally every job.