3 A.M. Existential Crisis

Last night's bout of insomnia came with a dose of "what am I even doing with my life?" I began thinking about how the pandemic put a halt to all of the big plans that I had or, rather, the big plans I was pretending to have. Moving across the country, a new job, traveling in my new car, getting a second degree! Now I'm at a standstill - the feeling of impending doom all but constant.

Where other people have used this unprecedented time to plan and build, or even start businesses, it seems I’ve used this time to dwell in my confusion and self-pity. I’ve allowed myself to sink into stagnation and I’ve blamed it on the current global situation - perhaps, unfairly? By the looks of things, other people have been able to excel, using this break from our former realities as a launching pad to reach higher heights. But me? It feels like all I’m doing is focusing on the next breath I should take. I even find myself making plans to plan for “when covid ends.” But what if it doesn’t end? What if it takes even longer to end than assumed? What if I’m being presumptuous to even assume that I’ll make it to the other side - still alive, able-bodied, and with at least half a mind left? Can I afford to “wait it out”?

I feel like my youth is dwindling and I’m just watching it dissipate through glossed-over eyes. The worst feeling might be that I don’t know if I’ll ever feel otherwise. I don’t know if I’ll ever reach the level of success and accomplishment that my mind, body, and soul desire. I don’t know if that level even exists. I try to achieve happiness by reaching all of the goals that I set for myself, but every time I reach a milestone, I move the goal post and I end up further away from the idea that I’m doing something meaningful with my life. I set a flag in the ocean and when I’m in eyesight of it, I overshoot and miss it and it’s lost to me again. I guess those are just unnecessary metaphors for my happiness - or lack of ability to attain it, really. I’ve only ever been almost there and my actions in this pandemic make me feel like it’s been my lack of drive all along.

No matter what I do, something tells me that I’m not doing enough - but I can’t find the energy or the mental space to do otherwise right now. This pandemic has shattered the illusion I created for myself that I was on a steady incline to great things. I guess I usually garner motivation to climb higher by telling myself that I’m one step closer. However, this year has illuminated the fact that I’m actually miles away from whatever the ultimate goal is... and, honestly, I’m tired.